Thursday, September 4, 2008

Heavy (or is it Heavenly?) Contrast

Looks like I've got some more contrast up lately. By lately I mean the last week or two. It's funny because back in April when I went back to work, the contrast was up big time: credit cards in arrears; new work and commuting routines; portions of rent being slightly late (thank God for a great landlord!); disillusionment around my real estate investing and deep questions about what to do next.

Within about 3 to 4 months, all that calmed down for the most part. Although I had some healthy contrast in late July regarding my side business and all. But pretty much since mid-July to late August was a lovely, smooth, steady period.

It was much needed. I just relaxed and let things flow.

But in late August, as I was getting ready to announce my new Emotional Wizardry class, I was getting more antsy and anxious about things: unrest at work; feeling bored and distracted; caring less about the quality of my work; and that age-old "I'm not a career/employee person" story. Sure it's a valid preference of mine. But telling it as a story doesn't help but serve up some contrast.

I've even received a little bit more financial contrast and challenges. A firm stance from one of my lenders. Another financial matter causing desire for more income. And some changes in my bills and expenses.

In characteristic human observer mode, I've been getting a bit worried. To the point that it's been effecting my outlook and what I've been doing on a daily basis. But tonight, something clicked energetically in my head: I'm ready to move on.

Now that doesn't mean leave my contract job right now. It just means that energetically, I'm ready and wanting something different, more expansive, more serving of what I want. For one, I'd love my freedom of schedule back. For two, I'd love to make money simply by selling information products. And yes, maybe it even means leaving my contract job when the project is over. But what's great about this "click" is the feeling of being ready. I felt it very viscerally. And as soon as I did, I felt immense relief.

See, I have an old, old story about working for anyone other than myself. That story is that I will get stuck there, eventually bored, listless and unable to be of service. I used to try to push my way through. Or I'd leave before my time was due. But tonight, what I realized in this "click" was that I don't need to physically leave or make a change -- or even energetically leave -- in order to get what I want. I'm not stuck. I'm already becoming the new person I want to be. I've been setting that up for a long while now. And I've finally got something -- a message with products I can create around it -- that I can bring out to the world.

So my expanded self is already out there paving the way, playing the vanguard of my desires, while I can stay put in my current situation and milk it energetically for all it's worth.

I think this is what Abe was trying to tell me when I last took the hot seat.

Hmmm. Very interesting.

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